A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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