Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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