I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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