there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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