you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
