i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
