I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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