You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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