my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
send nudes
from the living room?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize