Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
