If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
