ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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