I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
