she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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