Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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