His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize