For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
