I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
