Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
