I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
