When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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