oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
