don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
