PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
