What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
