I'm jealous of your bromance
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
