Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
