He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
