The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
