In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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