Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
