How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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