Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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