My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
God I need to hump something, right now.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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