dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
