We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
