just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
