You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
