I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
