I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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