haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
