I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
