"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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