Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
