shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
