i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
