It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize