I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
