Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Randomize
