The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The Olympian is in my bed
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