i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
