If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Randomize
