you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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