dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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