I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
