does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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